


Forget and Not Slow Down

by Withstarryeyes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Trauma, F/M, Fainting, Fluffy, On the Road Cas, Reader-Insert, Romance, Season 9, Sick Cas, canon-divergence, hurt cas, lonely cas, slow-burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10102454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Withstarryeyes/pseuds/Withstarryeyes
Summary: Cas has relocated himself after Dean kicked him out in the Gadreel debacle. Can he put himself back together with your help? Even when Dean comes down? Even when a secret about you comes out?WIP, each part based on a song from the album Forget and Not Slow Down by Relient K





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've started this series on my tumblr so chapter 1 on here contains the first 4 parts

_I never thought I’d be driving through the country  
Just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in._

The sunlight burned Cas’ eyes as his truck rumbled through the soft green fields of Oklahoma. He’d gone a long way, been human a bit too long and started to crave…home. A sense of home. One he’d never had before but something he periodically sought. Even more now that he was human. 

He had Elvis on the radio as he puttered down a rough dirt path, coming up upon a battered bar with rusty doors and old swinging lights. Turning the engine off, Cas looked at his clothes, tugging self-consciously at the ratty old flannel he stole from Dean. It was a bit too big, landing just above his knees but he sighed, knowing that it was all he had and it would have to do. Just until he got a job and he had some cash. 

 _I never thought I’d need all this time alone._  
_It goes to show I had so much yet_  
 _I had need for nothing but you, but you._

The sun was coming up. nothing but the drunken rejects of last nights parties roaming around the bar as Cas strolled in. He only had ten dollars to his name but it was enough for coffee and some breakfast, enough to propel him long enough for his solitary journey. The stool was sticky with rum and Cas frowned a bit as he took a seat, trying to remember if he had any quarters left to do laundry. 

“What can I get you?” You asked this stranger, his dark hair ruffled with sleep and his flannel loose around his tiny stature. You clucked your tongue, knowing one look at him would force your mom into offering him a place to stay and a real meal. Not the greasy eggs and flappy bacon the bar had to offer. 

He looked up at you, seeming to collect his thoughts before rounding his sky blue eyes on you and with a small, sweet smile asking for a cup of coffee, extra creamer. 

You melted, knowing those gorgeous eyes would definitely get the man a room upstairs. You sighed, going over to the coffee pot to pour his drink and texting your mom a quick text. 

 _lost puppy, send help,_ that ought to get her attention.

 _Gather all the questions of the things I_  
just can’t get straight and I answer them the way I guess you do.

The waitress was gorgeous Cas noted as he ordered, watching her twirl the pen between nimble fingers. She had a light smile and freckles that dotted her face like constellations. Her eyes were small moons, luring Cas in and drowning him with their sympathy. Her mouth was heaven, crisp white clouds and blinding golden light. 

“What can I get you?” She asked Cas and he had to pause for a moment, remembering that he was on the run. He needed to be halfway across the country in the next few days. But still, he felt drawn to you… He ordered his coffee with a smile, hoping beyond hope that maybe you felt drawn to him too, with extra cream and a dash of sugar, just the way he liked it and Dean despised it. _Dean,_ The name ricocheted in his chest, puncturing his heart and nestling in an aching mess behind his ribs. 

 _“_ So what brings you to town?” You asked and Cas felt the bundle flare, his chest heaving against the strain, somehow Cas managed to strain out a quick excuse. 

“Work,” It was vague enough and human enough to pass as small talk, Cas supposed as you nodded your head, pulling out a small notepad and nudged him into ordering. 

“Eggs with a side of bacon please,” The door jingled as an older woman stepped in. Her hair was tied behind her head in a ponytail, a pair of smeared glasses set atop her nose and the same freckles blooming across her cheeks as you. _Your mother,_ henoted she was just as beautiful as you, even with grey streaks in her hair and crows feet by her eyes. She looked like she had lived, and those souls were Cas’ favorite in heaven. 

“Coming right up, you responded,” as your mom approached the man with the sky blue eyes. You smirked, knowing that he would be adopted fairly soon. 

After all, taking in lonely souls, with worn clothes, was the family business.

* * *

_Is it time I befriended_

_All the ghosts of all_

_The things that haunt me most_

Cas blinked, his eyes refocusing on the dusty walls of the guest room. He looked down at his sweatpants, his eyes briefly filling with tears of gratitude. His chest twisted at the thought of all the kindness in the world.

All the kindness he’d been taught to ignore in favor of downputting humanity in the eye of the almighty angels. And _how almighty_ they were, all on earth, all alone and wingless and powerless. All depressed and lost... and then there was Castiel with treason in his heart and the goodness of humanity on his mind.

He sniffed, trying to push away his feelings and become the angel he once stood as, ironically becoming as human as they come. Push, bury and conceal. It was a routine humans knew too well. Especially the Winchesters Cas had learned so much from.

The sun was rising, trickles of rays streaming in the side window and Cas stood. He could smell a breakfast cooking downstairs and his stomach panged with hunger.

 

_I’d rather forget and not slow down_

_Than gather regret for_

_The things I can’t change now._

“Morning, Cas,” You called from the kitchen. You were wearing a tank top and pajama shorts, no foundation concealing the freckles on your face, no mascara lining your green eyes. You shifted your eyes to the left, trying to spot where your mom had laid out Cas’ flannel and jeans. You spotted them on the stool and nabbed them, scooting a scalding hot pancake onto a plate and grabbing a cup of orange juice to hand to the man sitting at the table.

He was watching you as you moved and you wondered what had happened to him. He was attention starved, quiet, and meek. A little shy around even your mom who had been cooing after him for the past 24 hours.

“Order’s up,” You smiled at him and Cas’ owlish eyes shined back at you. He thanked you, folding the trenchcoat up and sitting on it, his hand fingering an old photograph of Dean in the side pocket.

 _Dean_ , Cas’ breathing hitched a little as he thought about being kicked out. He understood the bond between the brothers but getting kicked out by Dean felt too much like being threatened by all the other angels in heaven. His real brothers… whatever that meant.

Nevermind that, Cas needed to leave that life behind. And maybe he could start a new one here.

 

_‘Cus It’ll be me unless_

_I put some thoughts_

_To rest and leave_

_Some faults behind_

“Y/n?” Cas called as you took a seat by him, tucking your legs underneath you.

“Yes?” You hummed.

“I was wondering…” Cas trailed off, trying to find the best way to say his words. How he could ask without demand and thank without provoking pity, “I was wondering if maybe I may help your family attend to the bar?”

You looked up, fork halfway to your mouth and paused. This man wanted to help you guys? You melted, he was so sweet for wanting to do everything to try and keep his burden off your shoulders.

You were about to deny, to tell him that it wasn’t necessary but you looked at him. You saw the way his shoulders hunched, his vacant gaze towards the floorboards, the broken tilt to his mouth and you realized that as much as he wanted to repay you, he also wanted to hold himself together.

“Sure, Cas. I’ll ask my mom about giving you a job once she comes back up.”

 

_There’s something I should tell you now_

_I’d rather forget and not slow down_

“Thank you,” Cas said and before he could keep the words out of his mouth he whispered, “God would’ve liked you.”

You didn’t hear it but Cas smiled at the thought of it. Despite all the faith he’d wasted on the man, he was his father and he believed that God would’ve liked the way his future was going. He would’ve liked Y/n just as much as Cas did.

* * *

 

 

_I've been working with adhesives_

_Chains and locks and ropes and knots to tether._

_But nothing's sticking to the pieces,_

_I can't seem to hold it all together._

Cas shuffled around the tiny pub, ignoring the slurp of his shoes against the sticky floors, ignoring the beer flung about by tipsy men and the high pitched squeals of tipsy girls. He’d been so keen to get a job here, to work and forget and move on. But somehow, in a broken way only Cas could be, it made his heart ache. For a family, for a home. He felt like a normal human but he wasn’t and as he made minimum wage it reinforced the idea that he was alone… as alone as he could be with you.

Cas never understood crushes before he met you. Before he saw your kindness. He didn’t know that humans could see souls as well as Angels. It might not be as obvious, energy floating above you in a rainbow of colors. That was Angel vision, but it was there.

He saw generosity when you gave him your tips, muttering an excuse about him needing it more than you. He saw joy when you laughed at a joke he didn’t realize he made. He shared the victory in a smile all the same. He saw concern when your Mom worked 24 hour shifts and would collapse onto a bed upstairs, not even bothering to change into her pajamas. He saw heartbreak whenever a man suspiciously father-age would look at you too long, give you advice or just imply that you were a good kid. Cas didn’t know what happened to you Father but he hoped it was bittersweet and not a dick move on his part.

“Cas,” You called him over and Cas noticed that he hadn’t moved for a minute and a half. He was stuck in place, an ice sculpture on a bride’s buffet. Clearing his throat, he swiveled to face you.

“Yes, Y/N, what can I do for you?” His head quirked, not unlike a dog and you hid a smile. Cas was too cute. Cute and worn down. He’d opened and closed for 3 weeks now.

“Are you okay?” The words knocked the wind out of Cas. He wasn’t expecting them, didn’t really know people cared about his wellbeing. His joints hurt, his head throbbed, his eyes were puffy from lack of sleep and Cas stared out the window. No, he wasn’t okay, but this job made him feel better about it. He supposed that was enough. It had to be enough.

“Of course,” He smiled tightly, grabbing the dirty glasses from your hands and going to wash them. You frowned, concerned--rightly so-- that Cas was working himself to death. Or at least to avoidance of an issue that hadn’t gone away.

 

_It's not the end of the world,_

_Just you and me._

_We're a part of it, everyone_

_We're a part of it, everything._

_And if a nightmare ever does unfold,_

_Perspective is a lovely hand to hold._

 

Soap, water, dizziness. Cas slammed his hands against the sink, swallowing thickly at the vertigo that overcame him. His stomach rumbled and he remembered that he hadn’t taken a lunch break that day. Hadn’t for the past few, to be quite honest, busy taking orders and cleaning tables. Busy watching you dance to every rock song that came on the radio....

The room rotated 90 degrees and Cas squeezed his eyes shut. His knees felt weak, his breathing thick, like he was trying to inhale toothpaste. His stomach flipped, his knees hit the floor. Glass shattering, wasn’t he holding that? Cas opened his eyes and for a split second saw your face before spiraling into a void Cas had never experienced before. Was this death? Cas didn’t have time to contemplate before everything turned fuzzy.

“Okay, so I have you down for a burger and fries, extra ketchup on the side, a co-” You heard the sound of dishes bouncing of the floor of the kitchen and your head whipped to see the damage done. Cas had his eyes closed, breathing heavy in the direction of the sink, filled to the brim with hot water. You expected his eyes to pop back open, for him to sigh at the inconvenience and move on with his day but instead Cas made a choking noise and dropped to the floor. You flinched at the noise he made.

“Cas?” You called, bobbing your head to try and see in the window, “I am so sorry, one moment please,” You addressed the customer sitting at the table you were attending before rushing over to the kitchen.

He was on the floor, face almost smoothed out, breathing more erratic than you liked to see. His eyes opened for a brief second and you felt the panic cease for a moment, it was a joke. He was fine, he was just clumsy. But then they closed again and his head bounced off the tile, a crack firing out into the room like a bullet. You gulped, going down onto your own knees.

“Cas? Oh, Cas honey…” You flipped him onto his back, hoping to God that he’d wake up. He wasn’t bleeding and his breathing had gone back to normal but he was 50 shades of gray.

 

_I swear this to you,_

_I wish that this was not the truth_

_But it's something that you fell into_

_And crawling out is hard on you_

_I'm not sure it's what you want to do_

_Not convinced it's what you want to do_

 

The sink was overflowing, dripping onto the floor and soaking your jeans but you just continued to drag Cas over to a chair, prop his feet on it and wait. Wait for him to come back to you so you could yell at him for scaring you to death.

You cared for the man and you hated seeing him so weak. You needed answers, you thought as you stroked his hair, running your fingers over his shoulders and feeling a few scars. He was painfully thin, his ribs outlined under his shirt. It was so unfair that Cas, sweet, pure, honest Cas had suffered so much.

You’d question him when he woke up… after force feeding him some ham and mashed potatoes. Yes, that would make everything better. Especially if… you shook your head at the thought, why think about this now? It wasn’t important. It was just a silly crush. On Cas. That you had.

You sighed, you were stuck in this now. You had to fix Cas if it was the last thing you did. And it would start with forcing him to open up.

* * *

 

_Savannah, I hope to be there by the morning_

_And see this pining all transforming_

_Into the arms of the Georgia sun_

You fumbled around in Cas’ pockets, feeling around the trenchcoat piled on top the same old flannel he washed every night. The color was beginning to fade, the bright red hue falling into the rusty red of the barns outside, the black stripes turning gray, the seams starting to fray. He was still unconscious, his brow furrowed, his face paler than the sand on the lake’s beach. Oh, Cas, you sighed. You had his feet up on a stool, you knew he would come around eventually, needed some food and a drink and a lecture. But it scared you, to see him work himself this hard. It was a conversation you wished to have with someone closer to Cas at your side.

Your hand brushed against a picture in his pocket, pulling it out you saw that it was a man, not much older than Cas, with bright green eyes and freckles stretching like a highway across his nose. You flipped it on the back, a phone number scrawled on the glossy surface, a name written above it: _Perdition_. It was vague, you didn’t know if that was a name or a nickname but you shrugged, dialing the number and hoping that this man would pick up the phone.

“How did you get this number?” A deep voice growled, you jumped, unsure more than ever that this was the right thing to do. You _had_ violated Cas’ privacy, “I said-”

He kicked you into action, “I have your friend here, sir. I am so sorry to bother you but he collapsed and I don’t know what to do…” You trailed off, the sound of shuffling came over the phone line.

“I have very few friends, miss, now how did you get this number.” He sounded so… guarded. You wondered what made him so wary of strangers.

“It was on the back of a picture that I found in Cas’ pocket. I figured you were friends. He’s been working himself to death, quite literally, I thought maybe you could help?” The uncertainty came back and you closed your eyes against the words. They sounded silly, a bottle on the open ocean, no chance on coming upon a sailor.

“Cas? You said Cas collapsed. _Shit_ , okay, where are you?” He sounded worried now, it was such a 180 from the voice before that you took a moment to answer.

“Oklahoma, sir, right outside of Edmund. We are at a bar named Sally’s, can’t miss it. “ You nibbled on your lip.

Cas stirred. The man responded, you were torn which to listen to first, “I’ll be there soon. Keep him breathing, you hear me? I don’t want to find him dead when I get there.”

“He’s in good hands, sir,” And it was true.  

Cas blinked his eyes open, he was shaking, his hands moving in quick, jerky movements. His lips were chapped and you moved over to him, stroking his hair.

 

_Yet I know you'll be there cause you'll know I'll want you to be there_

_And we'll say hello as you're smiling in love_

_And we'll sigh so relieved I believe because we will both know by_

_Tonight we'll feel normal again_

_But until then_

“Hi,” You said, smiling at him.

“Hey,” He responded, a blush covering his cheeks and neck. You stood up to fill a glass of water for him and he struggled to sit up against the stool. You knew you should tell him about the man you called, You didn’t know who he was-- Friend? Brother?-- but the information felt thick on your tongue. Cas looked so relieved to see you, for this whole thing to not be a fuss. You supposed it would be fine to wait before you told him…

“How are you feeling?” You passed him the water, waiting for him to take a few gulps before setting it down beside him.

“I’m fine, Y/N,” He lied, you could see his mouth move down, he was shutting down and away. You hated when you couldn’t connect with him.

“Okay,” You mumbled, knowing you shouldn’t push it. Besides, you’d have a conversation with him later about this whole thing. “But I’m making you dinner.”

You shot down his objection with a glare. Cas was grateful you did.

Edmund, Oklahoma. Dean read the sign as he passed, the sun was setting, casting the small city in shadow, only the streetlights there to light up the town. It was quiet here, reminded Dean of his childhood in Kansas, of catching fireflies on summer nights, of bedtime stories to the chirping of crickets, of home.

He pulled up to a small bar, the outside was beat up, the sign half lit in pink, neon letters. Sll’s it read, the a and y missing. Dean quirked a smile, of course Cas would end up in a bar of all places. Dean had trained him well.

He entered the place, there was an older women behind the counter, polishing glasses and counting alcohol bottles. She was beautiful behind the reading glasses, Dean could imagine her at twenty, free of wrinkles, long blonde hair and big, blue eyes.

“Can I help you?” She asked, putting down her clipboard and facing him.

He smiled, “Good evening, ma’am, I’m Dean Winchester, I was wondering if you’d seen my friend around here? He’s about yay tall, blue eyes, name’s Cas,” He looked around the bar, trying to spot a familiar trench coat.

“Of course, let me text my daughter, she’ll bring him down,” The lady said, smiling at him. Dean drew circles on the wood of the counter. “Winchester, any relation to a John?”

The question startled Dean and he looked up, she was looking at him with curiosity, with a knowledge Dean couldn’t place. He could see the weight on her shoulders. What did john do this time, “Yes, actually, my father.”

“You look at lot like him,” She mumbled and Dean wanted to ask a million more questions but Cas came down, a younger version of the lady in front of him by his side.

“Cas,” Dean stepped forward to give him a hug. Cas stepped behind the girl.

“You must be Dean, I’m Y/N,” She held out a hand and Dean took it, eyeing Cas behind her shoulder.

“You should not have come here,” Cas stated, returning upstairs. Dean blew out a breath, he’d expected that.

 


	2. If You Believe Me

_ A sudden wind and I wanted to say it was you _

_ I never been so confused about who knows the truth _

_ Where to begin, well I wanted to say it was you _

_ Cause I swore you had your hand in this too _

 

“I’ll go talk to him,” Both Dean and you said at the same time, he casted his eyes down, away from your stare. You wanted to snap at him, to complain that this was all his fault but you were the one that asked him to come here. The guilt was something you didn’t want to accept the blame for. 

Your mom could feel the painful gap existing between the two of you, your mirrored guilt-ridden stances. She quietly mumbled, “I’ll go, you two catch up.” Neither one of you caught what she said before she was gone, her footsteps clacking up the stairs. 

Dean and you had a lot in common, you found out very quickly. It was no surprise that Cas had ended up under your wing. 

      “Tell me about him,” your eyes shined as Dean peered into the liquor in the bottom of his glass. 

      “About who?” He asked, eyes briefly shutting. His heart ached for Cas, for his brother, for the decisions he’d made. You looked at him, your big green eyes peering into him and he shuddered, suddenly feeling too close and too personal and like he'd met you in another life. 

     “He's been so quiet, workin’ here.” Your smile twisted up softly and it Dean all at once. You were in love with Cas. 

     “You don't want to know about Cas, not from me,” Dean sighed, downing the rest of his scotch and going to pour himself another glass. He could feel your stare on his back, it burned the inside of his rib cage. 

      “Why not? You  _ were _ the one that packed anything up to come here for him.”

       “I'm also the one that kicked him out of his home,” Dean spat, his face screwed up in disgusted agony. Your mouth went dry. 

_ Because I'm here wondering what could you be thinking _

_ Though I know you're there thinking that I wonder that all the time _

 

  Your mom came down then, eyes downcast. Your own heart was beating a little rapidly and you looked over to the man you believed to be Cas’ friend. He was avoiding your gaze, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down his throat. 

“I’m gonna go see if I can talk to him,” Dean said, downing his second drink before escaping upstairs, you didn’t have the voice to stop him. 

Dizzy, you sat down on the stool, tracing the lines on your palm. 

Your mom, bless her heart, just quietly mixed a virgin margarita, “Long day?” She joked and against your will you smiled, noting the casual conversation started used with most customers. 

“Longer than most.”

“Cheers to that.” Your mom replied, clinking her glass against your own. 

Your childhood flashed back into your eyes, birthdays missed by your dad, learning to tend the bar very young because you had no money. Being left by family felt like getting hit by a comet. 

“Mom?” She hummed at you in response and contemplative eyes turned to her. “What was Dad like, really? I know you didn’t know him for long…” You trailed off, your Mom’s lips pressed into a thin line. 

“He was gruff, a little rough around the edges. But he was charming, had a good heart even if he never put it to use.” You nodded along. 

“And him leaving?”

“Was the best choice he could’ve made, given the circumstances.”

“And what were those?”

“He had two boys of his own, raising them on a military salary. Dean and Sam Winchester.”

_ I can still invade your thoughts when you're not with me _

_ Yet don't mind me I'm just a parasite on your mind _

_ Yeah don't mind me I know you're wondering all the time _

 

You couldn’t breathe. Your eyes too wide, your thoughts drifting back to Dean and Cas and… You needed to get some air but outside was dark and the muggy nights were anything but refreshing. You had a  _ brother _ , a real live brother and he’d hurt Cas, had kicked him out like an unwanted dog. 2, actually, you mused, trying to figure out what Sam was like. If he was sweet and kind or had dark, intense eyes.  _ Eyes,  _ your and Dean’s eyes were the exact same of green, you both had freckles that arched across your nose like a bridge, both had sandy brown hair. 

You shook your head, “Wild,” You breathed and then, as quick as a spring shower, were kicking Dean out of Cas’ room and collapsing next to him on the bed. Your mom had fed him and now he wasn’t shaking, but picking at the hem of his shirt. 

 

_ If you believe me _

_ We can stand the test of time like no one else _

_ If you believe me _

_ It means you have to disbelieve yourself _

_ If you believe me _

“Y/N, I--” He started, looking woefully apologetic. 

“Dean’s my brother,” Your mind was whirling. Cas looked so pretty, in the soft light of the room, his hair messy, his shirt riding up and revealing shimmering abs. 

“He’s your what?”

You were kissing Cas then, drowning out his questions, the possibilities of how your life could change. Kissing Cas wasn’t like fireworks it was like burning alive and rising from the ashes, it was crashing and living and flying all at once. 

It was all that you’d ever wanted. You pulled apart and for a split second he could see the pain in your eyes, “I don’t know what’s happening right now but I do know that’s the first thing all day that hasn’t felt wrong.”

Cas kissed your first then, breaking for a moment to whisper, “I believe you because I feel it too,” the night came before you stopped, raw and eyes glazed but so, so happy. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys I hope you like this!! If you want to see more chapters please leave a comment and maybe some ideas on the plot. Any/all feedback is greatly appreciated, thanks!!


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